Hold On.

Life here in LA is finally starting to look up, and things are slowly but surely getting better. I am moving out of this apartment in about a month from now to hopefully a nicer, roach free apartment across my school. I am starting to get into the flow of things at work and having my managers trust me. I am also surrounding myself with positive people who make me feel better about myself. It sounds so simple, but I have learned that it is hard to find friends that do that for you. Who you surround yourself with says a lot about your character and I definitely feel I have done a good job at picking the right people to be around. Recently, I decided I was no longer going to sit alone in my apartment and think about how sad I was for not having my Louisville/Indiana friends around, and what I could be doing if I were home. Instead, I made more of an effort to hang out with my friends from work, and try to be content with being by myself. It's starting to work. I know I can't just form close friendships out of the blue, and I know that if I open myself up too much, I am doomed for failure. So I am going to take things slow and focus on the moment of it all. This is all so new to me, and I am just trying to get used to it. 

Right now, I am in the process of trying to make myself become a better person. I feel like living here and making this move was an amazing decision and was so good for me, but the same time, I am learning to deal. I have had such anger and hostility towards some of the people here and how different they are from the people back home. Waiting tables is probably the root of the problem. It has just been such a weird adjustment because I don't ever remember having such high and low moods. I have never been more sad, lonely or depressed and never so inspired, happy, and carefree at the same time. I think about my past a lot, and high school, and I think that these moods trigger those memories of when I was going through a really rough spot and it makes it even harder. Lately I have been playing around with the idea of going to Alanon meetings. I know that I need to talk to someone, professionally speaking, about my anger and depression. Being since I have no insurance, and cannot afford to go to a normal therapist, I think that maybe going to these meetings would help  a lot. I want to get involved in something that is not only going to change someone else's life, but make me feel better as well.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has always dealt with an addiction. Whether it was alcohol, narcotics, or even over the counter cold medicine, it has affected my life deeply. Don't get me wrong, I adore my dad, and I have always been a "daddys girl" to the fullest. But a lot of his disease has made me question a lot of things about myself. I wonder all the time if I am at risk of becoming an alcoholic. I wonder how much of his Psychological disorders are genetic and if there is a component on why I am the way that I am. It doesnt take a Psychologist  to figure out why I have anger issues and why I can't control my temper. That is how I was raised. I just want to be able to control it. I want to know that I can be my own person and do things the normal way without being in my parent's shadow. And most importantly, if I have kids one day, I don't want them to have to go through what I went through. My parents are good parents. Did they make mistakes, yes. Are they perfect, no. It has taken me a really long time to realize that my parents are human and they are their own person and if I want to be part of their lives, I am just going to have to provide empathy and understanding towards their actions. Will I ever become them? Not exactly. I get my big heart from my mom, and I am generous and attentive like my dad. I hope my kids inherit those qualities, but I will make sure they will never be surrounded by negativity, fights, drugs, alcohol, and abuse if I can control it. I will never have kids if I know they are at risk for that. So, in order for me to make sure that doesn't happen, I need to fix myself first. 

Besides all of that, I am just ready to move out and start another semester at LAVC. I can't wait to get all my general education classes over so I can focus on transferring to CSUN or UCLA. I am ready to take on everything.........to be continued........ <3

Although I search myself, there's always someone else I see.

It's weird to look back 2 years ago when I made the decision to pack up everything and move across the country. Some days, I wonder what the hell was I thinking and then others, I am so proud of that person. 

That day, I was someone completely different. For so long, I have always been a follower. Someone who looked up to someone else, and pretty much wanted to be anyone else but me. I have had so many things happen in my life that have made me feel like such a failure and have made so many scars and insecurities. I have always wanted to be this person who lived for themselves, and didn't get caught up in the negativity.

 

Slowly but surely, I feel like I am coming together and into my own person instead of wanting to be someone else. This past year has changed me so much. I have known hurt, and bad days, but I have never felt as lonely as I do now. I know what it is like to really want someone to be there. I have Vic, but there are times where I don't want to rely on him yet again. I feel like a part of me is still in Louisville, sitting with Diana and Chloe.... still holding on to this big dream and never going through with it. But in reality, I am here, in LA and though it is new and different and I am so proud of myself, it is very drab and empty.

 However, despite how depressed I am sometimes, I feel my skin getting thicker. I feel wiser, and I feel as if I can do anything now. I  know that getting here was half the battle, and as long as I can stay in one piece, there are so many other things I can do with my life. Before, I did not know I would have the strength to go through with it, but now that I know... I feel like the possibilities are endless. Now I know why people move all over. I can see myself living in Seattle, San Francisco, New York.... I know I can do it now. I have faith in myself. 

Save tonight

Summer break is here! I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to be sitting on this couch and doing nothing but watching mindless entertainment... I even have time to paint my nails, color my hair, take a long hot bath.... the possibilities are endless! However, it also makes me realize how lonely I am and how this summer is going to be completely opposite of last summer.

Last summer was probably the best summer of my life. Not only did we plan this amazing move, but every last hour of our break was spent with friends and family. We were always busy! We were always fishing and laying out at the lake, picking berries/having wine tastings at Huber's, playing euchre and other games at people's houses and going out karaoke every weekend. Not to mention, every Sunday was spent at my sisters eating dinner and watching my nieces play and torment each other. It was heaven. I miss those days so much. But then again, we had those days mostly because we knew we were moving and we wanted to make every memory count. And they did. I have some of the most amazing memories of my life because of last summer. I grew 10x closer with my friends and family than I ever have been and I got the opportunity to really appreciate Louisville for what it is. These days, I am always trying to find something to do that doesn't require me sitting in front of the tv when I get off work. And though there is plenty to do around here, the company is limited. I really miss my friends. I really miss having someone around (other than Vic) who can actually give me a hug, drink wine and talk to me about my day. Sure, I can pick up the phone and call a friend... but with the time difference and it being a Saturday night, there really isn't a guarantee on that.

I thought that after a year of living here, I would actually be able to call someone my good friend. I would have someone I can trust and count on. Turns out, people are flaky! I guess I have never experienced this before because the friends that I have, I have had for years. I am not the type of person seeking out friendships... I have enough at home. Unfortunately, here, I have to start over and it feels like dating for the first time in years. Weird, right? It sounds strange, but it really feels like that. I'm always analyzing my actions towards that person, "did I say too much? Why hasn't she called? What did I do wrong?" It's completely ridiculous. I am 25 years old, why do I need to be this.... needy? Why can't I just be content with the life I have w/Vic and not have to rely on socialism. Truth be told, I sometimes find more pleasure in hanging out with no one but me myself and I.... but I guess I got my hopes up and it led me to be somewhat disappointed. Oh well... c'est la vie. I really need to understand that you can't expect others to treat you the same way you would treat them. That is my hardest reality to face right now. I just expect people to do the same things I would do...Gotta get over it and move on... besides, I would rather be lonely than have to deal with people being flakes and constantly disappointing me. It's just not worth it.

The bright side to all of this, is that one of my best friends is coming for a visit this summer. I am completely stoked. We are planning on taking a trip up the coast and visiting San Francisco and Wine Country. I really need me some Ashley in my life right now.... we have a lot to talk about and a lot of wine to drink... ;)

Besides all of this... I finished my Spring semester off with two B's. Not too shabby.. would I have rather had A's? Absolutely. But, given the circumstances... I think I did pretty well for my first semester back in a while... not to mention, my first semester at a new school in a new state with no support system around me and a jerk as an English professor. Yep, I'd say I did a pretty good damn job. <<pats on back>>

I will go in this way, and find my own way out

I have had the most amazing revelation that I haven't experienced in quite some time. I have learned that the older I get, the more I care about the bigger things, rather than the smaller things. Moving here has obviously changed my attitude--but for the better. I used to get so stressed out, so aggravated about all the things that were out of my control and for the longest time... I was depressed. I never knew these things until I went back home and figured it all out. I am where I belong.

I am not saying anything against Louisville, the people there, and the fact that I miss them more or less. I am saying that I never realized that it was in my best possible interest to get away. I feel like I can breathe here. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can focus on myself. As selfish as it sounds, I have never been able to focus on nothing but me for the longest time. I constantly worry about my family, what is going on in their lives and I tend to ignore what is going on in mine. I did not focus on my priorities and what I needed to do to get my life together. I am so happy right now. Living here may be extremely difficult at times, and can be very lonely, but I am slowly learning more and more about myself.

 I have learned that I can sit in silence in my apartment. I can do things by myself and for myself without any help. I can build on this relationship with Vic that I have been trying to mend since we've been together. What I mean by that is, that I am extremely difficult in relationships. I tend to pick on the negatives rather than focus on the positives because deep inside I wonder if I am good enough. Most fights I have with significant others are solely based upon my own insecurities and feelings of self worth. I have also been in numerous casual relationships that never went anywhere, so it is extremely difficult for me to stay committed to one person for such a long time. I am proud to say that Vic and I have been together going on four years, and though it has had its many ups and downs, it continues to get stronger. And I have noticed quite a change in myself while being with him. Moving here has had its many perks of creating good changes, but the number one perk in my opinion, is the toll it has taken on our relationship.

I was so worried before we moved that it was going to either make us or break us. With me being a negative nancy sometimes, I thought it would break us. Turns out, I could not have been more wrong. I see the subtle difference in our disagreements, and how we have picked our battles and maintained an honest friendship out of this whole situation. As for myself, I can no longer see myself with anyone else but him. I am so grateful for the person he is, and the person he makes in me. I know a lot of people say this, but I am truly the luckiest. I couldnt have asked for a better person to share this experience with. He has made every bad day good, and every good day even better.

Besides this whole epiphany thing I've got going on, I have also been studying like a mad person and trying to maintain a healthy diet. It is not easy by any means. I have tried to make time out of the day to exercise more and eat a more substantial meal rather than "college food" which consists of cheese and crackers, toast, and anything carb-related. I am going to try to make it my ultimate goal to feel better about myself, outside as well as in. In progress....

In other news, we are in the process of looking for another apartment. I cannot believe it has almost been a year. In just 3 shorts months, I will officially be a California State Resident. Wow... Crazy to think how time flies. I cannot play the whole "I just moved here" card any longer. Although, I am sure I can pull it off since everyone can tell I am from the South since my "accent" is so non-California-like. Either way, I am pretty stoked to be able to pay a hell of a lot less on student fees and be able to take a full semester without taking out thousands of dollars in loans. :-/ Pause for reaction. Ughhh, the good news there is that I am saving a LOT of money by going to school here than I would be going somewhere like UofL or IU. In fact, I will be attending a much better school (UCLA---fingers crossed!)... We shall see....

I am so ready for the summer! Time for nights in Santa Monica, walking around the Venice Beach Boardwalk; Diana may come visit, Ashley is coming in for a visit... and a break from school. Dream.Come.True.!!! Hopefully, this semester will end smoothly and I can enjoy my break and be able to see the ones I love again. Until then....<3

My memory is cruel, I'm queen of attention to details.

It's hard to believe that we have been living here 8 months already. Wow. I am already online looking for apartments, and I am just shocked. It feels like yesterday when we were looking at apartments when we were in Kentucky. My, how time goes by... and yet it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time. Weird. 

I just bought my plane ticket to go home this Sunday and I could not be more excited. It was definitely not cheap, but it will be worth every single penny the minute I wrap my arms around my beautiful 5 year old niece. I have missed her little face so much. I have missed hugging her, talking walks with her, and really... just watching her grow up. I know it has only been a short time in hindsight, but I feel like she has gotten incredibly massive since the last time I have seen her. I cannot wait to squeeze the life (not literally, of course) out of my twin sister and Chloe. It will be amazing.

Then, of course, it will always be awesome to see my friends and other family members as well. It has been really tough being away from everyone and everything that I know. It will be really nice to see people and things that are familiar and not so...foreign??

I am having a hard time in school right now. When I first started college, I had this big wave of confidence flowing through that I never felt before. When I was in high school, I was a total screw up. Of course, I loved my Creative Writing classes, being in Chorus, but other than that... I never tried. I missed a lot of school, and I was dealing with so many issues at the time with my parents and everything else that seemed to be surrounding my home life. It was extremely difficult to get back into the swing of things. I got up one day, went to some classes to help me out with my Math skills so I could pass the GED. I received my diploma about 2 years ago and have been taking college courses ever since. I cannot say it was an almost impossible road;  it wasn't by any means... it was just a rocky one. Since then, I have made a vow to myself that I would be the student I always wanted to be, and the student I should have been while attending JHS. I have maintained a high GPA, been invited to study abroad with a full-on scholarship through my Honor's Society, and have had so much support and respect around me. It has been an amazing ride thus far. However, this semester is somewhat a little different.

My instructor for one of my classes tends to be very arrogant, and very assumptive. Some days he walks in there, and just expects his students to screw up. For a while, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to write off his arrogance as brilliance. He is very brilliant, he has wrote many books that are amazing and most inspiring. Believe me, we are reading all of them in his class as our reading material. I have a hard time reading about his memoirs; his painful childhood as being abused by his father. It is so unsettling. And what is worse, is that I have to write essays throughout the course about his retched past. Sound interesting? Absolutely not. This is where my tuition money is going...really?! I mean, I want to read Shakespeare, literature from aspiring writers who captivate my attention. I don't want to read about my 65 year old's father being a total douche bag. I mean, seriously.... I am not trying to be insensitive, but I just don't see why any of this is relevant to the course. I am saddened by his childhood, but everyone has some sort of issue they have all dealt with in their lives. My childhood was definitely not peachy, but I am not going to instruct a class with nothing but my students reading about  my alcoholic father and what happened to me when I was younger. No one wants to fucking read that. It's awkward. I am just going to have to suck it up and try to push through this one. I cannot drop the class, that doesn't do me any good and it certainly won't be showing any validation. I am going to try everything in my power to not let his smugness get to me, and score an A in his course. I hate kissing ass, but if that is what I have to do to keep my GPA, I will do it. 

Meanwhile, I am trying to let go. I have the hardest time letting things and people in my past go, but what good does it do holding on to it? I am not sure why I do this to myself, but I always seem to set myself up for failure when I make an attempt to try to keep things/people in my life for the sake of having closure. I guess it's time to learn how to have closure within myself. That's about all I can do in matters of these situations. I am lucky to have the things and people that I have in my life. As long as I hold on to what is the most important and not focus on what's not, I can try to move forward with my life.

That's all folks. See you down south.

Wish You Were Here

I can't believe that it has been six years. Hard to believe when life happens so quickly, and you can barely keep up with it. I try not to get all down and dopey when it comes to this time of year, but I cant help but think about it and wish there was something I could do to take my mind off of it. It does seem to get easier though. I don't really cry anymore, which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. But then again, that's me. I think the hardest thing about it, is knowing that so many things were left unanswered. Maybe that is the reason why I cannot let anything go, why all I want is closure out of everything. We never really got that. I lost a good friend that taught me everything about music, who really opened me up and was there on the days that hurt the worst in high school. I lost the first guy I ever loved. It is hard to be upset about it though, knowing that I gained in this situation. I got to know this person, he got to be part of my life. As said at the funeral, "I don't feel sorry for the people who lost Kyle, I feel sorry for the people who never got to know him." Pretty amazing perspective, if you ask me. I know if he were still here now, he would be proud of me... and he would think that what I was doing was 'pretty fuckin' cool'... I sometimes think he is still with me, as cliche as it sounds.. it helps a lot. A part of him will always be with me. Here's to you, old friend. I am lighting a stick of incense and listening to some Dave Matthews Band in your memory. You were the greatest.