Hold On.

Life here in LA is finally starting to look up, and things are slowly but surely getting better. I am moving out of this apartment in about a month from now to hopefully a nicer, roach free apartment across my school. I am starting to get into the flow of things at work and having my managers trust me. I am also surrounding myself with positive people who make me feel better about myself. It sounds so simple, but I have learned that it is hard to find friends that do that for you. Who you surround yourself with says a lot about your character and I definitely feel I have done a good job at picking the right people to be around. Recently, I decided I was no longer going to sit alone in my apartment and think about how sad I was for not having my Louisville/Indiana friends around, and what I could be doing if I were home. Instead, I made more of an effort to hang out with my friends from work, and try to be content with being by myself. It's starting to work. I know I can't just form close friendships out of the blue, and I know that if I open myself up too much, I am doomed for failure. So I am going to take things slow and focus on the moment of it all. This is all so new to me, and I am just trying to get used to it. 

Right now, I am in the process of trying to make myself become a better person. I feel like living here and making this move was an amazing decision and was so good for me, but the same time, I am learning to deal. I have had such anger and hostility towards some of the people here and how different they are from the people back home. Waiting tables is probably the root of the problem. It has just been such a weird adjustment because I don't ever remember having such high and low moods. I have never been more sad, lonely or depressed and never so inspired, happy, and carefree at the same time. I think about my past a lot, and high school, and I think that these moods trigger those memories of when I was going through a really rough spot and it makes it even harder. Lately I have been playing around with the idea of going to Alanon meetings. I know that I need to talk to someone, professionally speaking, about my anger and depression. Being since I have no insurance, and cannot afford to go to a normal therapist, I think that maybe going to these meetings would help  a lot. I want to get involved in something that is not only going to change someone else's life, but make me feel better as well.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has always dealt with an addiction. Whether it was alcohol, narcotics, or even over the counter cold medicine, it has affected my life deeply. Don't get me wrong, I adore my dad, and I have always been a "daddys girl" to the fullest. But a lot of his disease has made me question a lot of things about myself. I wonder all the time if I am at risk of becoming an alcoholic. I wonder how much of his Psychological disorders are genetic and if there is a component on why I am the way that I am. It doesnt take a Psychologist  to figure out why I have anger issues and why I can't control my temper. That is how I was raised. I just want to be able to control it. I want to know that I can be my own person and do things the normal way without being in my parent's shadow. And most importantly, if I have kids one day, I don't want them to have to go through what I went through. My parents are good parents. Did they make mistakes, yes. Are they perfect, no. It has taken me a really long time to realize that my parents are human and they are their own person and if I want to be part of their lives, I am just going to have to provide empathy and understanding towards their actions. Will I ever become them? Not exactly. I get my big heart from my mom, and I am generous and attentive like my dad. I hope my kids inherit those qualities, but I will make sure they will never be surrounded by negativity, fights, drugs, alcohol, and abuse if I can control it. I will never have kids if I know they are at risk for that. So, in order for me to make sure that doesn't happen, I need to fix myself first. 

Besides all of that, I am just ready to move out and start another semester at LAVC. I can't wait to get all my general education classes over so I can focus on transferring to CSUN or UCLA. I am ready to take on everything.........to be continued........ <3

Although I search myself, there's always someone else I see.

It's weird to look back 2 years ago when I made the decision to pack up everything and move across the country. Some days, I wonder what the hell was I thinking and then others, I am so proud of that person. 

That day, I was someone completely different. For so long, I have always been a follower. Someone who looked up to someone else, and pretty much wanted to be anyone else but me. I have had so many things happen in my life that have made me feel like such a failure and have made so many scars and insecurities. I have always wanted to be this person who lived for themselves, and didn't get caught up in the negativity.

 

Slowly but surely, I feel like I am coming together and into my own person instead of wanting to be someone else. This past year has changed me so much. I have known hurt, and bad days, but I have never felt as lonely as I do now. I know what it is like to really want someone to be there. I have Vic, but there are times where I don't want to rely on him yet again. I feel like a part of me is still in Louisville, sitting with Diana and Chloe.... still holding on to this big dream and never going through with it. But in reality, I am here, in LA and though it is new and different and I am so proud of myself, it is very drab and empty.

 However, despite how depressed I am sometimes, I feel my skin getting thicker. I feel wiser, and I feel as if I can do anything now. I  know that getting here was half the battle, and as long as I can stay in one piece, there are so many other things I can do with my life. Before, I did not know I would have the strength to go through with it, but now that I know... I feel like the possibilities are endless. Now I know why people move all over. I can see myself living in Seattle, San Francisco, New York.... I know I can do it now. I have faith in myself.