My memory is cruel, I'm queen of attention to details.

It's hard to believe that we have been living here 8 months already. Wow. I am already online looking for apartments, and I am just shocked. It feels like yesterday when we were looking at apartments when we were in Kentucky. My, how time goes by... and yet it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time. Weird. 

I just bought my plane ticket to go home this Sunday and I could not be more excited. It was definitely not cheap, but it will be worth every single penny the minute I wrap my arms around my beautiful 5 year old niece. I have missed her little face so much. I have missed hugging her, talking walks with her, and really... just watching her grow up. I know it has only been a short time in hindsight, but I feel like she has gotten incredibly massive since the last time I have seen her. I cannot wait to squeeze the life (not literally, of course) out of my twin sister and Chloe. It will be amazing.

Then, of course, it will always be awesome to see my friends and other family members as well. It has been really tough being away from everyone and everything that I know. It will be really nice to see people and things that are familiar and not so...foreign??

I am having a hard time in school right now. When I first started college, I had this big wave of confidence flowing through that I never felt before. When I was in high school, I was a total screw up. Of course, I loved my Creative Writing classes, being in Chorus, but other than that... I never tried. I missed a lot of school, and I was dealing with so many issues at the time with my parents and everything else that seemed to be surrounding my home life. It was extremely difficult to get back into the swing of things. I got up one day, went to some classes to help me out with my Math skills so I could pass the GED. I received my diploma about 2 years ago and have been taking college courses ever since. I cannot say it was an almost impossible road;  it wasn't by any means... it was just a rocky one. Since then, I have made a vow to myself that I would be the student I always wanted to be, and the student I should have been while attending JHS. I have maintained a high GPA, been invited to study abroad with a full-on scholarship through my Honor's Society, and have had so much support and respect around me. It has been an amazing ride thus far. However, this semester is somewhat a little different.

My instructor for one of my classes tends to be very arrogant, and very assumptive. Some days he walks in there, and just expects his students to screw up. For a while, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to write off his arrogance as brilliance. He is very brilliant, he has wrote many books that are amazing and most inspiring. Believe me, we are reading all of them in his class as our reading material. I have a hard time reading about his memoirs; his painful childhood as being abused by his father. It is so unsettling. And what is worse, is that I have to write essays throughout the course about his retched past. Sound interesting? Absolutely not. This is where my tuition money is going...really?! I mean, I want to read Shakespeare, literature from aspiring writers who captivate my attention. I don't want to read about my 65 year old's father being a total douche bag. I mean, seriously.... I am not trying to be insensitive, but I just don't see why any of this is relevant to the course. I am saddened by his childhood, but everyone has some sort of issue they have all dealt with in their lives. My childhood was definitely not peachy, but I am not going to instruct a class with nothing but my students reading about  my alcoholic father and what happened to me when I was younger. No one wants to fucking read that. It's awkward. I am just going to have to suck it up and try to push through this one. I cannot drop the class, that doesn't do me any good and it certainly won't be showing any validation. I am going to try everything in my power to not let his smugness get to me, and score an A in his course. I hate kissing ass, but if that is what I have to do to keep my GPA, I will do it. 

Meanwhile, I am trying to let go. I have the hardest time letting things and people in my past go, but what good does it do holding on to it? I am not sure why I do this to myself, but I always seem to set myself up for failure when I make an attempt to try to keep things/people in my life for the sake of having closure. I guess it's time to learn how to have closure within myself. That's about all I can do in matters of these situations. I am lucky to have the things and people that I have in my life. As long as I hold on to what is the most important and not focus on what's not, I can try to move forward with my life.

That's all folks. See you down south.

Wish You Were Here

I can't believe that it has been six years. Hard to believe when life happens so quickly, and you can barely keep up with it. I try not to get all down and dopey when it comes to this time of year, but I cant help but think about it and wish there was something I could do to take my mind off of it. It does seem to get easier though. I don't really cry anymore, which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. But then again, that's me. I think the hardest thing about it, is knowing that so many things were left unanswered. Maybe that is the reason why I cannot let anything go, why all I want is closure out of everything. We never really got that. I lost a good friend that taught me everything about music, who really opened me up and was there on the days that hurt the worst in high school. I lost the first guy I ever loved. It is hard to be upset about it though, knowing that I gained in this situation. I got to know this person, he got to be part of my life. As said at the funeral, "I don't feel sorry for the people who lost Kyle, I feel sorry for the people who never got to know him." Pretty amazing perspective, if you ask me. I know if he were still here now, he would be proud of me... and he would think that what I was doing was 'pretty fuckin' cool'... I sometimes think he is still with me, as cliche as it sounds.. it helps a lot. A part of him will always be with me. Here's to you, old friend. I am lighting a stick of incense and listening to some Dave Matthews Band in your memory. You were the greatest.