I have had the most amazing revelation that I haven't experienced in quite some time. I have learned that the older I get, the more I care about the bigger things, rather than the smaller things. Moving here has obviously changed my attitude--but for the better. I used to get so stressed out, so aggravated about all the things that were out of my control and for the longest time... I was depressed. I never knew these things until I went back home and figured it all out. I am where I belong.
I am not saying anything against Louisville, the people there, and the fact that I miss them more or less. I am saying that I never realized that it was in my best possible interest to get away. I feel like I can breathe here. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can focus on myself. As selfish as it sounds, I have never been able to focus on nothing but me for the longest time. I constantly worry about my family, what is going on in their lives and I tend to ignore what is going on in mine. I did not focus on my priorities and what I needed to do to get my life together. I am so happy right now. Living here may be extremely difficult at times, and can be very lonely, but I am slowly learning more and more about myself.
I have learned that I can sit in silence in my apartment. I can do things by myself and for myself without any help. I can build on this relationship with Vic that I have been trying to mend since we've been together. What I mean by that is, that I am extremely difficult in relationships. I tend to pick on the negatives rather than focus on the positives because deep inside I wonder if I am good enough. Most fights I have with significant others are solely based upon my own insecurities and feelings of self worth. I have also been in numerous casual relationships that never went anywhere, so it is extremely difficult for me to stay committed to one person for such a long time. I am proud to say that Vic and I have been together going on four years, and though it has had its many ups and downs, it continues to get stronger. And I have noticed quite a change in myself while being with him. Moving here has had its many perks of creating good changes, but the number one perk in my opinion, is the toll it has taken on our relationship.
I was so worried before we moved that it was going to either make us or break us. With me being a negative nancy sometimes, I thought it would break us. Turns out, I could not have been more wrong. I see the subtle difference in our disagreements, and how we have picked our battles and maintained an honest friendship out of this whole situation. As for myself, I can no longer see myself with anyone else but him. I am so grateful for the person he is, and the person he makes in me. I know a lot of people say this, but I am truly the luckiest. I couldnt have asked for a better person to share this experience with. He has made every bad day good, and every good day even better.
Besides this whole epiphany thing I've got going on, I have also been studying like a mad person and trying to maintain a healthy diet. It is not easy by any means. I have tried to make time out of the day to exercise more and eat a more substantial meal rather than "college food" which consists of cheese and crackers, toast, and anything carb-related. I am going to try to make it my ultimate goal to feel better about myself, outside as well as in. In progress....
In other news, we are in the process of looking for another apartment. I cannot believe it has almost been a year. In just 3 shorts months, I will officially be a California State Resident. Wow... Crazy to think how time flies. I cannot play the whole "I just moved here" card any longer. Although, I am sure I can pull it off since everyone can tell I am from the South since my "accent" is so non-California-like. Either way, I am pretty stoked to be able to pay a hell of a lot less on student fees and be able to take a full semester without taking out thousands of dollars in loans. :-/ Pause for reaction. Ughhh, the good news there is that I am saving a LOT of money by going to school here than I would be going somewhere like UofL or IU. In fact, I will be attending a much better school (UCLA---fingers crossed!)... We shall see....
I am so ready for the summer! Time for nights in Santa Monica, walking around the Venice Beach Boardwalk; Diana may come visit, Ashley is coming in for a visit... and a break from school. Dream.Come.True.!!! Hopefully, this semester will end smoothly and I can enjoy my break and be able to see the ones I love again. Until then....<3
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