how many special people change?

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change some of the things that I have done or said that made certain people in my life steer away from me. I am at a loss of words when it comes to explaining why I cannot let things go, why I can't let people go. I just can't tell you. I try not to have regrets in my life. Everything I have been through has taught me something that has made me wiser and stronger than ever. Why waste negative energy on something that has changed you as a person? I guess I want people to see me a certain way. It's like I see myself, and though I think it might be pretty amazing... I see the damaged parts of myself. I see all that went wrong in my life and I have nothing but doubt and insecurities left. All the people that are close with me in my life can see it too, but I still try to remain mysterious. I don't know why I try so hard. I am 25 years old. I have nothing to hide and everything I say or do usually ends up out in the open anyway, so why do I even bother? What do I have to lose? I have a somewhat decent job, I have an amazing boyfriend that I am so grateful for, I am doing extremely well in my academics, my friends are great, my family... well, my sisters are amazing. I have really no complaints. I live a good life and I have accomplished a lot in my life that some will never do in their lifetime. (I am really not trying to brag here, just trying to give myself a confidence boost) ... And yet, confidence seems to be the only thing I am lacking. How come I can see and realize everything that I have done and been through, and not really give myself credit for it? I can be so hard on myself.... but I think that comes with a life that has been somewhat tainted. I can't go back 20 years ago and change what happened to me. I can't keep living in denial that what happened to me was normal and how I was raised was just like everyone else. Cause it wasn't. I have to live with that everyday. I know the outcomes of my behaviors are solely based upon what I have been through. I can try to change it. I can go to therapy, take medicine, whatever... but I choose not to. I choose to just live with it and occasionally think about it at the worst time possible. I don't want to medicate myself... been there, done that. I want to live with the pain and not feel numb to it. I just want to let it go. How do I do that? I am a Psychology major that wants to be a counselor to young teens about their pressures of school/home life, so why can't I tell myself what I would tell them when I embrace my career? It's easier to preach, not practice. But I have to set a good example for myself and for what I believe in. Mind over matter.