how many special people change?

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change some of the things that I have done or said that made certain people in my life steer away from me. I am at a loss of words when it comes to explaining why I cannot let things go, why I can't let people go. I just can't tell you. I try not to have regrets in my life. Everything I have been through has taught me something that has made me wiser and stronger than ever. Why waste negative energy on something that has changed you as a person? I guess I want people to see me a certain way. It's like I see myself, and though I think it might be pretty amazing... I see the damaged parts of myself. I see all that went wrong in my life and I have nothing but doubt and insecurities left. All the people that are close with me in my life can see it too, but I still try to remain mysterious. I don't know why I try so hard. I am 25 years old. I have nothing to hide and everything I say or do usually ends up out in the open anyway, so why do I even bother? What do I have to lose? I have a somewhat decent job, I have an amazing boyfriend that I am so grateful for, I am doing extremely well in my academics, my friends are great, my family... well, my sisters are amazing. I have really no complaints. I live a good life and I have accomplished a lot in my life that some will never do in their lifetime. (I am really not trying to brag here, just trying to give myself a confidence boost) ... And yet, confidence seems to be the only thing I am lacking. How come I can see and realize everything that I have done and been through, and not really give myself credit for it? I can be so hard on myself.... but I think that comes with a life that has been somewhat tainted. I can't go back 20 years ago and change what happened to me. I can't keep living in denial that what happened to me was normal and how I was raised was just like everyone else. Cause it wasn't. I have to live with that everyday. I know the outcomes of my behaviors are solely based upon what I have been through. I can try to change it. I can go to therapy, take medicine, whatever... but I choose not to. I choose to just live with it and occasionally think about it at the worst time possible. I don't want to medicate myself... been there, done that. I want to live with the pain and not feel numb to it. I just want to let it go. How do I do that? I am a Psychology major that wants to be a counselor to young teens about their pressures of school/home life, so why can't I tell myself what I would tell them when I embrace my career? It's easier to preach, not practice. But I have to set a good example for myself and for what I believe in. Mind over matter.

Times they are a'changing

I have this horrible stomach virus I have been fighting for the past 4 days and it flat out just fucking sucks. I haven't been able to do anything but lay on the couch in utter pain watching back to back episodes of The Wonder Years and Family Guy while eating toast and goldfish. It's awful. Not to mention, my two days off this week consisted of going to Target, the library and playing Connect Four with Vic. I have to say, weekends in LA haven't been all that glamorous.


I'm really trying not to sound like a brat, because I do realize how lucky and fortunate I am to be living here, to have a job, and have someone that I can vent to at the end of the days even when I do feel like none of those things are relevant. Just the other day, I saw 3 bums behind a dumpster smoking meth and as human as it is to judge someone who lives on the streets next to a grocery cart full of everything they own and only spend what they have on drugs, you can't help but feel sorry for them and think that maybe you take life for granted sometimes. Why can't I remember that when I get caught up in being so homesick and feeling so lost and alone. I am not alone, and though I am homesick I am living my life and doing what I think is good for me. I should be proud of myself, instead I lay here sometimes and think about what I could be doing if I were in Louisville. I miss having card nights with my friends, having someone to drink wine with instead of drinking it while skyping with one of my close friends (although that was definitely interesting). I sometimes wonder why I moved if nothing has really changed besides the fact that I do not have anyone around.

I know this is only the beginning, and I know I will meet people and things will get a whole lot better. This is the downside to this whole moving thing, and I guess I didn't prepare myself for it. I knew I'd be homesick, but I never thought I'd be this lonely. I miss my friends and family, and I miss everything that seemed familiar. Everything feels foreign to me right now.  I guess it could be a whole lot worse, like I mentioned before, I could be sitting next to a dumpster wasting my life on a meaningless drug. But I am not. I have to give myself credit for all the things that I have accomplished in my life. Though nothing has really changed, I am changing. 10 years ago I never thought I would ever do something as brave as this, but I did. And I have proven to myself that I can be brave, and if I can brave... I can be strong and get through this. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. Sure, it might be a rough ride in the beginning... but you can only go up after you've been down for so long.

For what it's worth

I have been sitting here in my living room for the past couple hours (mainly making myself scarce from the demon cat that we are watching currently) with back to back episodes of The Wonder Years. The Wonder Years is a light, meaningful tv show set back in the late 60's/early 70's about a boy going through his adolescence and dealing with all the pressures and joys of being a teenager. I have to say, watching it really makes me want to go back in some weird way. I hated my teenage years, but there were definitely some perks that I miss and think back on often. 

As much as I'm used to the idea and frankly, understanding of my parents' divorce, I still miss them being together. I miss doing things together as a family. I miss my dad staying up with me teaching me about Elton John and Eric Clapton while he would light stick after stick of incense. I would miss going in the basement watching them practice with their band. I sometimes hated it when they would have band practice on Friday nights cause TGIF seemed way cooler than their music, when in all reality they were actually quite good. My mom was the lead singer, and my dad was the drummer. I got kind of lucky living in the house I grew up in, and I never fully appreciated that until now.

Even though high school was hell on earth for me, there were definitely some perks. Like, my friends for example... and Kyle. Having him around made everything seem easier, and more exciting. He would come over and we would sit around watching movies, listening to music and talking about everything we loved about Pink Floyd, and Pearl Jam. I had never met anyone like him, and still haven't to this day. He brought out something inside me that I don't remember having before I met him. I can't put my finger on what that something is, but I know I have never let it go. I miss him, I miss being able to talk to him when I want to and keeping up with each others lives. Losing him 5 years ago still doesn't seem real, and I don't think it ever will. I just keep in mind that I am the fortunate one to have known him, I just wish a lot more people could have met him... he would have grabbed life by the balls. He was great.

Circles

I can't play this game any longer
I am down to my last wit
I have to find something else that will make me stronger
I can't just sit back and quit

I am tired of spinning around in circles
Tired of getting lost only to be found
I have come to a dead end of this ride
And there's no way of ever knowing
What else is on the other side
If I don't turn around

>>Even though it hurts, this feels right
Even though I'm bleeding, I can still suck it up and fight
It's definitely not easy, but nothing good worth having really is
Even though it's hard, there's more to life than this

I'm looking for a new sunrise
I want to witness a new sunset
I want to make new memories
And go to places I know I will never regret
I'm hitting the road, I'm going to find whatever it is that been hidden all this time
I'm ready to reach out and grab everything that I believe I deserve to have as mine

>>Repeat Chorus

New places, unfamiliar faces
I am going to take everything in
And just embrace it

Forgetting.

I am listening to this beautiful song by David Gray and it's making me think so much about life. Life these days have really seemed to take a complete 180 for me. I can't believe this is how things are, I still have to remind myself that this is where I am and I am no where near the things that used to be a part of my day to day life 2 months ago. It's a huge adjustment, and it's not the easiest sometimes. However, I am very fortunate and proud of how things have worked out. Moving almost feels like a blur, and that it never actually happened. In reality, it's staring me right in the face. I try not to think about how far away I am, I just live day to day and 'live in the moment' like Diana always suggests.

I'm dealing with something right now that seems to be a reoccurring pattern in my life when it comes to some of the close relationships I have. I always tend to get myself in these awkward situations where I find myself without closure. I haaaate not having closure. It makes me feel incomplete, and keeps me over analyzing through every detail. I know that I am partly to blame, but at the same time I feel like I deserve some sort of explanation. I have had some amazing people come in and out of my life, and when they come out.. it's like I get no say in it. I hate having things out of my control, I definitely have issues dealing with that. I just need to find closure within myself, but that is way easier said than done. Writing always helps me figure things out, hence why I started this blog in the first place. I just gotta keep on keepin on... ;)

I heard "What a Wonderful World" on the way to work today, and I knew it was going to be a good day. Even though I have all these thoughts and emotions processing, I know in the back of my mind that I am doing the right thing. Even as much as it hurts, I know there is a reason behind all of this. I feel like this has definitely been a huge test... on my strength, on my character and my confidence. It feels so amazing to have people be proud of me again. I haven't done a lot with my life that have been all that impressive, and for so long I felt like such a failure.... but these past few years with starting school on my own, making a life changing decision that I actually went through with--- has given me so much inspiration and hope for all the things in my life that I never thought could happen. I have only myself to thank for that. I have had the most amazing friends and family stand by me with enormous amounts of support and that has pushed me to go even further. I don't feel lost anymore.

My old KY home far away....

So I was at work today and greeted some older men at the bar just to help another server out, and I noticed that one of the men was wearing a UK hat. And for a moment there, I honestly forgot where I was...(this tends to happen a lot) I kind of smiled for a second and said to the man, "Hey... I like your hat!" And if you know me, you would know that was definitely ironic considering I have been a die hard UofL fan since I could say the words, 'GO CARDS!'. I then proceeded to tell him that I never thought I would ever say something like that, being since I was a cards fan, but I couldn't help but mention to him that I thought it was comforting seeing that blue and white again. Irony is  pretty strange sometimes. 

I moved to the LA area a little over a month ago, and it is still hard to accept the fact that it is my home. Don't get me wrong, I completely love the place and everything... but it is very hard to get used to it. Going from Louisville, KY to Los Angeles, CA is like night and day. The people are different, the atmosphere is different and it is hard to walk around somewhere where you don't know one familiar face out of 1000. It's all part of the excitement, I suppose...but I am definitely ready to get into the swing of things and feel like this is permanent. It's hard to go from a place that you know everything and everyone to a place where you have to get out your GPS to get to the next Starbucks (and they have a million of them everywhere). Like I said, all part of the excitement. I am trying to get used to how people drive and the mannerisms. For as laid back as some of these people are, they are so impatient on the road and do not like to smile for some reason... but that's okay... I figure, there are good people everywhere and sometimes you just have to show your kindness to people and hope that it carries on to others around you. 

In retrospect, I am amazed with how well all of this turned out. I cannot wait to see where my life is going in the next 4 years. I have always been a planner, and for the first time in my life I am doing something where the unexpected excites me and I take everything day by day. Though it gets hard to adjust to this culture and the people, it will get much easier and a whole lot more amazing. I cannot believe this is all really happening and that I am finally here.